Things You Definitely Don't Need to Say to Your Friend Who's TTC

“If you think you’re tired now, just wait til you have kids!” It’s one of those unhelpful little kernels of “wisdom” that gets repeated ad nauseum - and is especially grating to hear when you’re trying to get pregnant. The implication seems to be that if I’m struggling with this part, there’s no way I’m cut out to handle the actual parenting part. But here’s the thing - fertility treatment is hard. And it’s just work, with no reward - just an end goal you might struggle to keep in sight. Most parents will say that parenting is the hardest thing they’ve ever done, and also the most wonderful. Yes, you may never have a full night’s sleep again - but your baby looks at you, and recognizes you, and they smile. They learn to laugh, walk, and talk - and you get a front row seat to that. You get a front row seat to the tantrums and the hormones and the moodiness, too, but the good stuff is all mixed in with the hard stuff, whereas fertility treatment is just a pain in the ass (pun intended).

To that end, there’s a certain type of parenting article that really gets my hackles up. The ones that read like “no one ever told me how hard parenting would be, so I’m laying down the hard truth of how difficult it really is.” Is it better than the Mommy Bloggers who post posed, Instagram-worthy images of their toddlers in pristine white frocks with the pretense that every day is picture-perfect, domestic bliss? The influencers who only share about motherhood like it’s the easiest and most natural joy in the world? Totally - at least it's real. Honest conversations about the difficulties of parenting are absolutely needed. People who give birth in particular have been robbed of candid, non-euphemistic discussions about what their bodies and their emotions go through postpartum. And naming the struggles of raising a child instead of glossing things over with a rose-colored filter is admirable. I get that.

What I don’t understand is the apparent desire to “warn” someone who's pregnant or trying to get pregnant about how unbelievably difficult it is to have a newborn. We know. Yes, of course no one will ever truly understand an experience like parenthood before they’ve gone through it themselves. And non-parents who armchair-quarterback others’ parenting choices are a special kind of obnoxious. But do you really think that there are people trying to have a kid who don’t already know that newborns don’t sleep? That toddlers throw tantrums? That older children and teens will lash out and cause headaches you never even saw coming? I know that I will fail at parenthood in ways I couldn’t possibly predict. My spouse and I have opinions based on our life experience about how we’d like to raise our kids - and we're fully aware that we’ll realize how optimistic or naive some of those opinions were once we try to put them into practice.

One of the worst things about not being able to get pregnant easily is the knowledge that this is still the easiest part. It’s so, so hard - and raising a kid is still going to be harder. For lots of couples, I imagine that making a baby is pretty fun. An act of intimacy with someone you love and are attracted to. I love my RE, but… not like that. The process for us is front loaded with awkwardness and discomfort, not to mention the physical, emotional, and financial strain. I guess what I'm trying to say is that both experiences have their difficulties, and if someone trusts you enough to share their struggle... try not to respond by saying "look out, it gets worse!"

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Did you struggle to get pregnant, or need to undergo fertility treatment? What's the worst thing someone said to you while #TTC? Drop a comment below, because that's a topic we'll definitely be coming back to!